Wising Up

5 11 2009

I woke up thinking this: “Wisdom is supreme, therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.”

I didn’t know why, till I looked up the scripture and it turned out it was in my Proverb-of-the-day reading yesterday. I guess God is working in me, even when I’m asleep. I have been contemplating it all morning.

Shower-wisdom. Brushing teeth- understanding. Getting dressed-wisdom. I have been unable to shake the thought. Really crazy. I bet you can’t wait to hear what I “realized” you’re getting wise to me already. I’m always “realizing” something new and *AMAZING*.

I won’t keep you in suspense any longer.

I have totally never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever really *wanted* wisdom.

I may have prayed for it, a little, halfheartedly when I read a proverb or something. But it was always just a passing fancy, a prayer for something I knew I should want,however didn’t really much care for. The thought that someone should want wisdom “though it cost all you have” just sounds crazy. So basically I am praying for God to strip me of all my stuff that I have and give me this intangible knowledge of who knows what. Why waste prayers on that when I could be asking for my husband’s safety, money for the mortgage, that funny rattle under the hood, my uncle’s health, etc. To my very basic human brain it doesn’t sound like it’s really even worth the breath it would take to mutter.

So why on earth did God press that into my subconscious brain with such fervor?

I think I’m ready for it.

Wisdom. God said you have to acknowledge it as SUPREME, though it cost all you have, esteem wisdom and it will exalt you, when you walk your steps will not be hampered, when you run you will not stumble.

I really only ever wanted God to give me wisdom to keep all the stuff I have. God please give me wisdom in my business so I can make a good living so I can keep the house, the cars, the dogs, the Saturday morning brunches out with friends. God give me wisdom on how to manage my time so I can do all the stuff that will make me happy, everything that I want to accomplish so I can be perfect and complete not lacking anything.

The truth is, if God were to pull out two silver platters and tell me beneath this domed lid is wisdom and beneath this domed lid is your husband, dogs, house, cars, everything you have that can be taken away at any moment, which do you want to keep? I would tell him to keep his wisdom- I’ll take the stuff THANK you very much!

Do you know that someday my husband, the amazing man that God has given me through sickness and in health will die? Do you know that in eight years someone else will probably be living in this house and taking care of this yard? Do you know in seven years both of the cars will probably be in the junkyard? Do you know that in eleven years all of my dogs will probably be dead? Everything that God has given me is going to pass away.

But the one thing that he has offered me, the one thing that will help me get through all the changes and the hurts and laughter with my faith and joy intact is the one thing I couldn’t give a damn about?

You may think that for a “recovery” blog, she has been talking a lot about God.

Here are the first three steps, can you guess which one I’m struggling with?

  1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God

If you guessed number three than you are absolutely correct. I am having a hard time turning over my life to the care of God because the God that I have understood my whole life, his shoulders aren’t big enough for my burdens. He created the entire universe, breathed life into the first man, separated the waters with expanses of land, but I don’t think he can run my business, handle my finances or take care of my husband.

So I prayed this morning for wisdom, for understanding. Though it cost ALL I have. With every breath, I praise God for another day to get to know him, another day to understand him, another day to carry out his purpose in my life.

Yesterday, during life group one of the girls said that when she is feeling like she isn’t good enough, like she isn’t worth anything, she remembers that God saw her life before he even created the earth. He knew the mistakes she would make, the triumphs she would have, the many ways she would let God down, knew that he would have to send his son as an innocent lamb to the slaughter for those sins. And he looked at her and said, it is STILL worth it. That is how God looks at me, like I am WORTH it. That is how God looks at you. YOU no matter what you’ve done, no matter who you’ve been, God looked at you and said, you are SOOOO worth it.


Fear with Feet

24 09 2009

So My house is a total freakin disaster area. It looks like a kind tornado came through, nothing is really destroyed, but there is crap everywhere. It is really easy to say how BUSY I’ve been, how I simply haven’t gotten around to it, how I need a full day to just focus and do the job, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is I have been at home. I have been not busy, I haven’t even really been doing the marketing work I’m supposed to be doing. Just kinda lolling around. Playing on the internet. Goofing off. Reading my “literature” working my program on paper, but not in practice.

I keep thinking, TOMORROW I WILL WAKE UP AT 4:30 in the morning and the house will be all sparkly by noon and then I can enjoy my day. Blegh. I’ve done that once. I know that it is possible, and it can be done, but the truth is it may have been a once in a lifetime sighting, like a UFO. UCS- Unidentified Cleaning Spree. Never to be seen again.

By 4pm yesterday, I hadn’t even showered yet. I guess my house isn’t the only thing that’s a wreck. The only thing that got me up out of bed (4pm!!!) was the mantra I started to repeat to myself over and over again. “It didn’t get like this overnight, it’s not going to get better overnight, but it will get better.” Then I started to do a little to make sure that that was true. I piddled around, put some clean dishes away, took a shower, then got totally overwhelmed and sat down, about to start crying.

Then the phone rang.

It was a number I didn’t recognize, a 760 number. I answered, in trepidation. It was my a coach from the marketing company that I pay $200 a month to, calling to check up on me. He asked how I was doing on the program. Before he even got the words out of his mouth, I said, “It’s not working because I’m not working it.”

Then he asked, “What can I do to help you?” I wanted to say, give me back my $200 bucks a month, but instead I said, “I don’t know. There’s nothing you can do, I can’t even help myself.” This poor guy had no idea what the hell he was walking into.

But here’s the kicker, it didn’t phase him. Like at all. He just rolled with it. The conversation went like this:

Coach: “How committed are you to your business.”
Me: Silence. “I don’t know.”
Coach: Can you picture yourself being a successful realtor.
Me: (Thoughtfully) Yeeees. I think so. I just don’t know what to do all day. It feels like I have nothing to do.
Coach: That’s not a problem, we have tons and tons of stuff for you to do to get your business going. But you need to be sure that that is actually what you want to do.

Whoa. Coach has a point. It is something I want to do. There are lots of things I want to do. I want to clean my house, I want to work out, I want to write a book, I want to be a successful realtor, I want to be a good wife, I want to be a good dog owner. But there is very little that I actually DO.

Coach: Once you plan to do something, you need to make sure you are committed, or there is no point, don’t you agree?

Totally. I didn’t realize it, but I have committed to very little in life. Then once it fails a little bit, I quit altogether. My self-defeating attitude has cost me alot of gifts that I feel that God has given me. I have squandered them. There was that parable of the talents, and I am the guy that buried them in the ground, like a moron. Just because he was too lazy. People like that piss me off so much. Mostly because I hate the fact that I identify with them.

I am scared of life, scared of living. I don’t want to start cleaning my house, because I might not finish. I don’t want to market myself, go back to school, work out,or basically start anything worthwhile anymore. I’m tired of the disappointment. So my house stays filthy, my business stagnant, I don’t have my degree, and I’m overweight and unhappy. Sheesh. I’m like a mom who figures her little kid is just going to dirty his diaper anyway, so why change it?

I have little to no perserverance. According to the list of ACOA traits, that is number 14. I am a reactor, not an ACTOR. I wait till I’m already late to get going, I wait till the trash truck is rumbling in the distance to get the trash outside. I wait till I need to get out of the house to take a shower. I wait till I don’t have anymore clothes to wash them. I wait till I can’t find my chihuahua in the junk piles to sort through them.

Don’t ask me. I don’t know how to change this yet. I just know that anything worth doing is not going to happen in a minute, an hour, a day. But if I don’t take a minute, an hour, a day to address just a little bit of the problem, then nothing will ever change. I will constantly wait for the perfect time to meet the perfect motivation and explode into perfect fireworks of a job well done.

In recovery we learn the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. I know now why that is so prevalent a prayer in this program. I am always dwelling on the things that I don’t have the power to change, all the way from not getting a bigger scholarship in high school to not waking up at 5:00 this morning, instead of having the courage to change the things that I can.

In the Al-Anon meeting I go to, there is a lady who says, “Courage is just fear with feet.” I need to put walking shoes on my fear and just step out. Wake up, take a shower, get dressed. Get going, even if it is 4pm by the time I actually start. And know that GOD is in control, not me. He will decide what I need to do. Nothing will get done perfectly, but eventually, when I look back on my life it will be clear that in the moment, I moved FORWARD and didn’t just age in one place.

Just so you know, I talked to that career coach for a good 30 minutes and COMMITTED to do two things for my business before Monday morning at 9:30 when I talk to him next. 1) Make a schedule for myself, and 2) Do Level 1 webinar training for “Power Productivity”. I guess now I have a sponsor for my business too! I will let you know how it goes.