Three Months Have Gone By….

12 03 2010

I want to give some closure to this site, and let you (whoever would even read this, most people stop reading after people stop posting) know what is going on.

God has revealed himself to me in a powerful way.

I am no longer bound by my chains of depression, anger, anxiety and shame. I am free.

It didn’t come out of a meeting.

It didn’t come out of a book.

It came from realizing that if it had only been me, with all my junk, with everything I have ever done wrong, with every regret I have, Jesus would have still died on the cross. I always believed that he died for my sins, but what is one man divided up among BILLIONS and BILLIONS of people?

But the freedom came from realizing that God would have done it just the same if it had only BEEN ME. That’s how much he loves me. With finally realizing that love, it gave me the courage to finally love other people selflessly. Instead of waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to finally notice me and give a damn. I realized that God has been waiting for me to notice him. And notice that he DOES give a damn.

I decided to get off the fence. That I am no longer going to try and please other people, God is the only one I want to please. I am going to stop caring what other people think of me. I used to deliver little jabs that chip away at someone’s self esteem so they could see me as better than them, cooler than them. I still see a lot of people I know doing that. But the truth is, unless we know how much God loves us, we are all TERRIBLY insecure. We all want to be loved. I don’t want to tear people down anymore. My job is to build people up.

In realizing this, my life has changed drastically and immediately. I just want to encourage you, God doesn’t just want to heal you a little at a time, like a therapy session. Where you go once a week every week for fifty years and then you have one week where you “get” it and then you die. GOD wants to heal you completely. And quickly. And effectively. He wants you to realize that you are not alone in this world, he is with you. His love has given me room to grow. Room to change. My life is never going to be the same. Because he is my Rock and my Salvation.

I used to wonder why I couldn’t get a career, finish school, make anything of myself.

God had shown me that every single one of the dreams that he gave me when I was a little girl are going to come true.

I wanted to be a writer and a speaker and have thousands of people listen to me and be moved and inspired by me. I used to want to be president or an actress or a lawyer. But most of all, I wanted to know that my life mattered. God has shown me that when I get out of that selfish place, and realize the hurt that most people are going through, and RUN TOWARD THEIR PAIN. That he heals me, he renews me. He has a plan for my life and it is better than anything that I can imagine right now.

This is what he has shown me in the last three months since I’ve posted. I stopped posting because God told me to get out of myself, my cocoon of pain and pursue Him and other people. So, there is my ultimate Revelation. Blessings on you as you learn and grow and change, and hopefully, finally understand and receive how much God loves you.


Four Weeks

7 12 2009

Reasons I have not posted in Four weeks in no particular order of importance:

1) Have not been to an ACOA meeting
2) Have been feeling guilty about not posting
3) I gave my site out to people I know and my ego was getting a little tied up in it
4) Holiday season is very busy
5) After one week, I began to think that when I write again it better be REALLY GOOD, in other words PERFECT
6) I was starting to get a little obsessed with watching my little counter go up
7) I really felt like God was telling me to get over my isolation, I needed to get out of my own little world and into other peoples lives, can’t do that on the internet
8) Have tried to do something with someone I know every single day for the past four weeks, it’s very time-consuming but rewarding

That’s about it. I’m just going to post this to get over my slump. Otherwise it’ll turn out like my real estate site which is still on my mother’s day posting. SO HERE GOES……….

If you like it….

6 11 2009

So I was having trouble getting my day started. I had breakfast, coffee, read my bible. Nada. I just wanted to crawl back in bed. I took a shower, checked my email, did my property searches, facebooked. Zilch. Not feeling it. So I did this.

Hahahhaa… You’re welcome.

The Nightmare

4 11 2009

Saturday morning, I drove five hours to visit my little sister in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She was flying my little brother in for the weekend and I took all three of my dogs, in addition to the five people and two dogs they have at the house. It was a good kind of chaos. Lots of dog fur flying. Lots of smores eaten.

It was Halloween weekend, and the last night of this amazing production called, “The Nightmare” that her church, GUTS puts on every October. I have NEVER seen anything akin to this before. The production value was incredible, very realistic. It really makes you look at life and people a lot differently.

I have always been a little embarassed to talk to people about God.

Mostly because I felt like it weakened me, I wanted to be cool and talking about God is inherently uncool. I have this wonderful friend, wherever we went she would ask people if they wanted prayer. Seriously embarassing. I remember this one time we were at Walmart in the checkout line and this guy with a blue mowhawk was working the register and she asked him if he needed prayer for anything. He said he didn’t believe in that stuff, but if it worked we could pray for his mom because she was seriously depressed and always on the couch and didn’t care about life anymore. He actually teared up and she prayed for him right there in the checkout line with people in back of us waiting. He gave her a HUG afterwards and thanked her profusely. It was insane.

We left Walmart and it didn’t even phase her, it was like, business as usual. I was aghast and blurted out, “How do you do that? How come you don’t care what people think about you? How can you just talk to anybody about that?” She looked at me, carefully thinking. “I don’t know,” she said “I guess when I see people, I just picture them in hell with no other choice and it being too late.”

I think about that often. Most of the time when I am being too damn chicken to talk to somebody who is clearly hurting and needs hope. Her faith was unstoppable. It is my goal to be more like that. Offering hope to a world that is lacking, offering comfort to a world that is in pain. That is why I so desperately want to heal, so I can be effective. So people want the peace that I have and see God working in my life. I know the only way to get that is to give myself totally over to the control of God. But my faith is so limited and I falter so often. When will I realize how big God is and how temporal life is?


31 10 2009

Hi! I have actually had a couple of people email me and ask how they can subscribe, or get my blog delivered to their inbox, which totally caught me off guard— So I had to do some research and figure it out. I added a Google feed burner to my site and will now be able to deliver to your inbox, so you won’t have to come to my site. I am new to this, but I just subscribed myself so I will see how this works. The link is going to be on its own page labeled “Subscribe” at the top of the page, just click on that, leave your email address, and type the word to verify you’re not a crazy spammer and we will send you an email to confirm. If you check your email immediately afterward, there will be something in there from feedburner email subs, when you click on that link, your subscription will be activated. I won’t sell your email address or anything, if you have any questions, please feel free to leave a comment and I will be happy to do what I can to help you. Have a great weekend! Happy Halloween!

Working on Next>>>

28 10 2009


Please God, Give me Peace

26 10 2009

I really really really think I’m going a little nuts. I had too much coffee and I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m fidgety and ineffective and have been going from computer to freezer and back and had to put dishwater in the ice cream bucket so I wouldn’t have anymore. I just want to start over again tomorrow. Maybe the day after that. Everything feels exhausting and frustrating and not worth starting. My mind and hands and body are restless. I have no fruit in my spirit.

“But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control…Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.”

I feel like an idiot. There are those people that say that, “That was the moment when everything changed. I’ve never been the same since then…” And go on to talk about how wonderful everything is now, how AMAZING their life has been.

Well, I want to skip to that part. I want to forego all of the shit that I need to drag myself through to get there. I am so frustrated with myself today. So disappointed. So lonely. So lacking hope.

People who say that there is a moment, are liars. LIARS! There is no moment, no one tiny click when everything falls into place. That, my friends is how dominos come down, one tiny shove and you can send a whole domino structure down, but you can’t build one in a moment. In a step. That’s not how life works.

My whole life I’ve waited and waited and wished for it to click. Because I was fed a lie, an IV drip that told me it was ok to wait on life, that it was ok to just exist until you got that “click” then everything would be ok. Maybe that’s why I continually ask for God to save me over and over again. Kept thinking that maybe I really wasn’t saved before.

The truth: I have already asked Jesus Christ into my heart. A long long time ago. I believe that he died for my sins and has washed me clean before the Father. That he is my sacrificial lamb. BUT I have refused to take the peace and hope and love he offers me over and over again. I don’t know how to accept it. So I keep praying the same prayer over and over again hoping he’ll redeem me, though he already has. Keep waiting for it to “click” for my life to change in that moment. And he keeps telling me to press on and press into him.

And I keep waiting for a miracle.

I don’t want a savior I guess, I already have one. I just don’t want to be me sometimes. I know he redeemed my life from the pit, yet here I sit, in the pit. God, please give me peace.