Three Months Have Gone By….

12 03 2010

I want to give some closure to this site, and let you (whoever would even read this, most people stop reading after people stop posting) know what is going on.

God has revealed himself to me in a powerful way.

I am no longer bound by my chains of depression, anger, anxiety and shame. I am free.

It didn’t come out of a meeting.

It didn’t come out of a book.

It came from realizing that if it had only been me, with all my junk, with everything I have ever done wrong, with every regret I have, Jesus would have still died on the cross. I always believed that he died for my sins, but what is one man divided up among BILLIONS and BILLIONS of people?

But the freedom came from realizing that God would have done it just the same if it had only BEEN ME. That’s how much he loves me. With finally realizing that love, it gave me the courage to finally love other people selflessly. Instead of waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to finally notice me and give a damn. I realized that God has been waiting for me to notice him. And notice that he DOES give a damn.

I decided to get off the fence. That I am no longer going to try and please other people, God is the only one I want to please. I am going to stop caring what other people think of me. I used to deliver little jabs that chip away at someone’s self esteem so they could see me as better than them, cooler than them. I still see a lot of people I know doing that. But the truth is, unless we know how much God loves us, we are all TERRIBLY insecure. We all want to be loved. I don’t want to tear people down anymore. My job is to build people up.

In realizing this, my life has changed drastically and immediately. I just want to encourage you, God doesn’t just want to heal you a little at a time, like a therapy session. Where you go once a week every week for fifty years and then you have one week where you “get” it and then you die. GOD wants to heal you completely. And quickly. And effectively. He wants you to realize that you are not alone in this world, he is with you. His love has given me room to grow. Room to change. My life is never going to be the same. Because he is my Rock and my Salvation.

I used to wonder why I couldn’t get a career, finish school, make anything of myself.

God had shown me that every single one of the dreams that he gave me when I was a little girl are going to come true.

I wanted to be a writer and a speaker and have thousands of people listen to me and be moved and inspired by me. I used to want to be president or an actress or a lawyer. But most of all, I wanted to know that my life mattered. God has shown me that when I get out of that selfish place, and realize the hurt that most people are going through, and RUN TOWARD THEIR PAIN. That he heals me, he renews me. He has a plan for my life and it is better than anything that I can imagine right now.

This is what he has shown me in the last three months since I’ve posted. I stopped posting because God told me to get out of myself, my cocoon of pain and pursue Him and other people. So, there is my ultimate Revelation. Blessings on you as you learn and grow and change, and hopefully, finally understand and receive how much God loves you.

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