Please God, Give me Peace

26 10 2009

I really really really think I’m going a little nuts. I had too much coffee and I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m fidgety and ineffective and have been going from computer to freezer and back and had to put dishwater in the ice cream bucket so I wouldn’t have anymore. I just want to start over again tomorrow. Maybe the day after that. Everything feels exhausting and frustrating and not worth starting. My mind and hands and body are restless. I have no fruit in my spirit.

“But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control…Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.”

I feel like an idiot. There are those people that say that, “That was the moment when everything changed. I’ve never been the same since then…” And go on to talk about how wonderful everything is now, how AMAZING their life has been.

Well, I want to skip to that part. I want to forego all of the shit that I need to drag myself through to get there. I am so frustrated with myself today. So disappointed. So lonely. So lacking hope.

People who say that there is a moment, are liars. LIARS! There is no moment, no one tiny click when everything falls into place. That, my friends is how dominos come down, one tiny shove and you can send a whole domino structure down, but you can’t build one in a moment. In a step. That’s not how life works.

My whole life I’ve waited and waited and wished for it to click. Because I was fed a lie, an IV drip that told me it was ok to wait on life, that it was ok to just exist until you got that “click” then everything would be ok. Maybe that’s why I continually ask for God to save me over and over again. Kept thinking that maybe I really wasn’t saved before.

The truth: I have already asked Jesus Christ into my heart. A long long time ago. I believe that he died for my sins and has washed me clean before the Father. That he is my sacrificial lamb. BUT I have refused to take the peace and hope and love he offers me over and over again. I don’t know how to accept it. So I keep praying the same prayer over and over again hoping he’ll redeem me, though he already has. Keep waiting for it to “click” for my life to change in that moment. And he keeps telling me to press on and press into him.

And I keep waiting for a miracle.

I don’t want a savior I guess, I already have one. I just don’t want to be me sometimes. I know he redeemed my life from the pit, yet here I sit, in the pit. God, please give me peace.

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