15 10 2009

It’s late. It’s after midnight and I have been an insomniac for a few days. I really feel like there is so much of my life I’ve missed already that I think I’m afraid to go to sleep and miss more. My eyes are shot. My back hurts. I lay awake in bed and listen to my husband snore and I think. Every once in a while I’ll poke him and ask if he’s asleep. To which he snores back. I guess that’s a yes.

I just wanted to thank him really.

It occurred to me while laying in bed that I have a house.

A beautiful two story house with a big backyard that overlooks the greenbelt and trees and has plenty of room for my three sweet dogs to run and play in. I also have a husband. An amazing husband who told me that he wants me even if all I do for the rest of my life is breathe in and out. I have a car that runs, and a refrigerator that gives out water and ice, just like rich people. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me before. I have things to be thankful for. Things that can be gone at any minute without me having enjoyed or taken care of them. I am very blessed and never realized it.

See, when I was a little girl I didn’t know to dream for such things. A home, and a husband and dogs that are indoors. Such things felt out of reach, out of my control. I thought that the only thing I could control was being smart. Above average. Brilliant. I thought that that was where my fortune lay. In my intelligence, and if I could only make a fantastic living at something that everyone would admire me for, then I would finally be worth something. Everyone told me I was so smart I could be anything at all in the world. I was young and wanted to be president.  The first woman president. As I got older, it shifted to lawyer, actress, writer, then the aspirations grew less and less until really all I wanted this year was to just stop living. It seemed pointless, all of it.

Clearly I have done too many shitty things in life to EVER run for office. I am to damn old to go to law school, and I never even finished college. I missed the boat on acting, you have to be young and thin and beautiful. The only thing left is writer. Which I suppose I am doing right now. The point is, that I had my self worth all wrapped up in what I was going to be when I grew up. I kept waiting for me to BE something BE somebody. It never happened. No wonder I went through such a depression. I am not anything a little girl would dream of becoming. But I have BEEN somebody this whole time. I am somebody. I have been denying that my entire life. Waiting for me to make it big to finally say, “AH. I am a_________, I do__________” but at the same time, stubbornly waiting for somebody to love me for absolutely no reason, just because I breathe in and out, the way your parents are supposed to love you. Somebody to fill the hole up inside of me. A hole of rejection and never being enough for anybody.

This is what I realized: I am somebody. I am loved. I have things. I am living a life right now. NOT tomorrow, not three years from now when I dream I will be wildly successful, and thin and happy and have everything I could want. RIGHT NOW. I will not deny my present self, my present husband, my present home, my present dogs, my present car, my present career the time and attention that they need because they are not good enough, and I am waiting to put my attentions on my REAL LIFE. The truth is, that life exists only in my escapism. In my dreams when I sleep fifteen hours because my room is too much of a disaster. When I  toss and turn and  think about how I will wake up tomorrow at 4:30 in the morning and DO EVERYTHING I have ignored for the last fifteen years in one day. That is not the answer.

I said during my Weight Watchers meeting on Tuesday that I had an epiphany this week. A breakthrough. A huge honking realization that will revolutionize my life and everything in it.

Would you like to know what it is?

What I do today counts.

I was putting my makeup on in the mirror and thinking about how I really didn’t want to go to the office, and how I really needed to do ABC-XYZ and how one more day of inactivity at work wasn’t going to matter to anybody. And then it hit me. If I do a little bit today then I can build on that tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. And if I eat well today, I can do it tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. This can be applied to everything in my life. It makes a difference what I do TODAY.

I am finally realizing why we need to give control up to God. I keep waiting to be perfect, to BE GOD before I work on my life. Not realizing that there is a perfectly willing, perfectly loving God who is just waiting to gently guide me through one step at a time. And he will meet me where I am. No matter how far deep down in the chasm I am, he is there and though it is dark, he is with me.

I have been so blind. Maybe I can work on my life a little bit here, a little bit there with concerted effort and it will all amount to something in the end. Maybe I just have to trust God that his will WILL be done and my life will have served it’s purpose after so many tiny efforts. Even if I never BECOME anything much at all. Even if I just breathe in and out.




One response

19 10 2009

Wow – what an awesome post! Very inspiring!!!! =0)

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