Stuck in 1-2-3 Cycle

8 10 2009

Since I have been having problems working the program and getting going, I am going to try to post my step-work. I have gotten a little better, no longer feel so hopeless. However– And this is a big however– I still feel immense pressure to get everything perfect really really fast. Or what’s the point.

I know that this is not what the program teaches us. For your reference, here is steps 1-3 in the ACOA program: We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable, Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God. That’s it. Pretty simple right? In one way yes, it is simple. Easy to acknowledge for me, someone who already has a very strong belief in God. However, for someone who has been acknowledging God for all the good things in her life, and blaming herself for all the bad things, this is a very trying set of steps.

The problem is, when I am in the depths of despair, is when I realize that I need God and I am totally powerless to climb out of this hole myself. When I see a little light peeking through the dirt I’m buried in, I get excited and think that I just gotta force myself to climb up the muck and crawl out. Instead, I just end up flailing around in the dirt and bury myself deeper. It occurs to me that I don’t really think of this as trying to control things, just seems like what I need to be doing, since I’m so far down. I tell myself ridiculous things, like I will get up at 4:30 in the morning, work out, clean the house, work on my business, spend time with my husband, mow the lawn, return the library books, update my blog, etc. etc. and then am suprised when I feel disinterested in even getting up.

Recently, I had to make a schedule for myself and my business and give it to my business coach. I did it in Excel, and it was three pages long, starting at 4:30 in the morning and had something every half hour till 8 at night with free time being scheduled between 8-9 on Monday, Thursday and Friday. This is for someone who has never been able to follow a schedule. I was so embarassed by the in-feasability of the document that I had to change it just to show him that I was not unreasonable. But in my head, I was thinking, “You can follow the original schedule, Martha Stewart does it, I’m sure Oprah does it too. There are lots of people who have days like that. Don’t be weak.” Needless to say, I have not gotten up at 4:30 maybe EVER in my life. These are the demands that I try to make on myself and end up failing at every time.

I am very embarassed telling you this, but I think it needs to be said. I am going to be starting work as a Property Management Assistant again M-F 8:30-1:00 pm starting next Monday because I really worked more when I had to be at the office rather than being able to go in whenever I felt like it. I feel like I failed, well it’s not really a feeling. More like a fact. I have failed. I did not have the discipline to work my own business myself without supervision. I am a good realtor. I have special skills such as listening, compassion, and understanding. I am also a good guide and a good teacher, and truly have a desire to see people in the property of their dreams. People are people to me, not just a commission. Having said that, I have not been disciplined enough in marketing, prospecting or the other half of real estate. Getting clients has proven to be challenging, mostly because I am too proud to ask for business and the other half of me is convinced I have nothing to offer.

The only reason I know my good qualities is because in ACOA there was a passage talking about us HAVING good qualities and I really was intrigued by that. Usually, I look at myself in the most negative light possible, if someone tells me I’m a good wife, I say, “At least I haven’t cheated on him.” In the very depths of my despair I lamented to my little sister that I couldn’t think of any good quality in me. When she pressed I said, “Well, there is one. I’m not a drug addict or an alcoholic. Yet.”  Talk about a downer. People can see that negative energy all over me. I’m so embarassed it’s like a shroud covering my heart. I have never ever ever wanted to be one of those negative people that just suck the life out of you, so I withdraw so no one will know messed up I am. I know that there is a postive, fun loving person that I should have been inside somewhee dying to get out. I want to uncover that person, but how?

I  find myself still trying to control everything, keep all the balls in the air, be perfect. How can this make any time for fun, or for that person who wants to be different, deep inside of me? Not to say I don’t have time for myself, I’ve had the luxury of lots of time these past few months to wallow in frustrated despair. It’s like I took a vacation and instead of visiting some sunny paradise I decided to camp out in the cold, damp doldrums- Party of one please.

This is very frustrating. Contrary to the way I act, I don’t want to be here. It is not fun being here. It is not fun being this person. I don’t know how to get through steps one-two-and three. I keep thinking I have power. I keep thinking that God will help me only once I restore myself to sanity. I keep thinking that I am turning my will and life over to the care of God, but then just grab it right back. What do I do? I really am asking. I don’t have the answers.

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