Rebuilding Me

2 10 2009

I am a phenomenal starter. I can say that honestly with no doubt. An idea person, I am constantly dreaming up new, fantastic and creative ways to do everything. Strong starter, lousy finisher. Seriously, I am lacking in the follow-through, build your character, perservere through the hard times, walking through the fire, winners never quit- department. I always thought, if I’m not good at it already, why try? That was not a problem because I was good at lots and lots of stuff.  Problem is, my good-at-lots-of-stuff development plateaued at about seventh grade. Turns out you can’t fake out a latin test, or chemistry, or college. That stuff takes some muscle and some drive, not my strong suit.

So, yesterday after a long grueling day (when I have productive days, I usually go overboard to compensate for the sobby-listless-just get through so I can go to sleep-days) while on our way to go pick up my car at the mechanic my husband and I got into a bit of an argument. Nothing major, just one of those frustrating quarrels that blows over as soon as something funny happens. But still, I was mad. I jumped out of his car and into mine with every intention of driving to Barnes and Noble and just staying there till it closed, reading and basically just forgetting everything.

As I was leaving, I realized I had left my GPS in his car, so I flagged him down to get it and put it in my car. When I tried to put it on my windshield, it just flopped over dejectedly. A screwy thing was broken. This was maddening, as we’re a little worried about money and after paying $460 for my car starter, I really didn’t want to have to shell out more dough to pay for a little screwy thingy because I didn’t care for it properly. I wanted to cry. Somedays it feels like no matter what you do, everything is falling apart and there is not a damn thing you can do to stop it. I heard a distinct God-voice in my head tell me to fix it. I didn’t want to fix it, I wanted to throw it on the floor and forget about it. But still, it said fix it. I thought, my husband will fix it later. I am not going to touch it, not even try.

I tossed it on the floor of my car and put the car in reverse. I couldn’t shake the feeling though, that I had to at least try. So, I angrily threw the car back in park, turned the car overhead light on and started fiddling with it in the dark parking lot. I’ll spare you the intricacies of the repair, but it took me all of  two minutes to figure out what had come undone and rescrew it in, but in those two minutes I learned a lifetime. With everything that has been going on, with my emotions, with my recovery, with my depression, hitting my absolute bottom, everything…I am just drained. I feel incapable of even waking up alot of the time, much less getting anything done.

While I was trying to fix the GPS stand, I got a feeling of utter calm, and I heard (not literally, but in the way that you “hear” and understand) God tell me, “This is just you and me, I am going to tear your life down to the ground piece by piece, it could be your car, your house, your marriage, your career, yourself. Everything is coming down, and I am going to give you the privilege and the self esteem that comes with rebuilding it. And you will be whole again.”  The hope and promise that washed over me in that instant was tangible, I could feel it in my entire body.

All of a sudden, I realized that when things start feeling overwhelming, I escape. I may not drink, but I do go online, overeat, go shopping, read magazines, sleep all day- anything to avoid the feelings of complete failure that my soul is buried beneath. Suddenly it was clear, and there was a light at the end of the tunnel of my life. God showed me in that instant, that by listening to him tell me to face this problem, this two minute, nothing problem, it was the beginning of changing my entire life. I did fix it, my husband didn’t do it, I didn’t buy a new one, I didn’t throw it on the floor and forget about it. I fixed it. I didn’t have to deal with the guilt of seeing it the next time I went out to my car, I just did it and it was over, like it had never happened.

God told me to go home, not Barnes and Noble and to fix the fight with my husband. So instead of just forgetting about it, I apologized and it was over. I shared my newfound hope with him and told him everything was going to be ok. The house, the dishes, the laundry, the finances, the dogs, my career, myself. That I’m just being rebuilt. And I thanked him for having the patience of a saint in putting up with the remodeling dust. I feel like I should wear a sign, “Please excuse the dust, I am under construction.” See God says in Philippians 1:6  “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

As a kid, I learned that you were perfect now, or you were nothing. I am not or will ever be perfect, but I can stand on the truth that not I, but God is responsible for completing the good work he started on me. What overwhelming grace is this, where I can screw up everything in my life, and God can guide me to rebuild it. He says that “And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten” Joel 2:25, and His promises are never broken.

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