Fear with Feet

24 09 2009

So My house is a total freakin disaster area. It looks like a kind tornado came through, nothing is really destroyed, but there is crap everywhere. It is really easy to say how BUSY I’ve been, how I simply haven’t gotten around to it, how I need a full day to just focus and do the job, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is I have been at home. I have been not busy, I haven’t even really been doing the marketing work I’m supposed to be doing. Just kinda lolling around. Playing on the internet. Goofing off. Reading my “literature” working my program on paper, but not in practice.

I keep thinking, TOMORROW I WILL WAKE UP AT 4:30 in the morning and the house will be all sparkly by noon and then I can enjoy my day. Blegh. I’ve done that once. I know that it is possible, and it can be done, but the truth is it may have been a once in a lifetime sighting, like a UFO. UCS- Unidentified Cleaning Spree. Never to be seen again.

By 4pm yesterday, I hadn’t even showered yet. I guess my house isn’t the only thing that’s a wreck. The only thing that got me up out of bed (4pm!!!) was the mantra I started to repeat to myself over and over again. “It didn’t get like this overnight, it’s not going to get better overnight, but it will get better.” Then I started to do a little to make sure that that was true. I piddled around, put some clean dishes away, took a shower, then got totally overwhelmed and sat down, about to start crying.

Then the phone rang.

It was a number I didn’t recognize, a 760 number. I answered, in trepidation. It was my a coach from the marketing company that I pay $200 a month to, calling to check up on me. He asked how I was doing on the program. Before he even got the words out of his mouth, I said, “It’s not working because I’m not working it.”

Then he asked, “What can I do to help you?” I wanted to say, give me back my $200 bucks a month, but instead I said, “I don’t know. There’s nothing you can do, I can’t even help myself.” This poor guy had no idea what the hell he was walking into.

But here’s the kicker, it didn’t phase him. Like at all. He just rolled with it. The conversation went like this:

Coach: “How committed are you to your business.”
Me: Silence. “I don’t know.”
Coach: Can you picture yourself being a successful realtor.
Me: (Thoughtfully) Yeeees. I think so. I just don’t know what to do all day. It feels like I have nothing to do.
Coach: That’s not a problem, we have tons and tons of stuff for you to do to get your business going. But you need to be sure that that is actually what you want to do.

Whoa. Coach has a point. It is something I want to do. There are lots of things I want to do. I want to clean my house, I want to work out, I want to write a book, I want to be a successful realtor, I want to be a good wife, I want to be a good dog owner. But there is very little that I actually DO.

Coach: Once you plan to do something, you need to make sure you are committed, or there is no point, don’t you agree?

Totally. I didn’t realize it, but I have committed to very little in life. Then once it fails a little bit, I quit altogether. My self-defeating attitude has cost me alot of gifts that I feel that God has given me. I have squandered them. There was that parable of the talents, and I am the guy that buried them in the ground, like a moron. Just because he was too lazy. People like that piss me off so much. Mostly because I hate the fact that I identify with them.

I am scared of life, scared of living. I don’t want to start cleaning my house, because I might not finish. I don’t want to market myself, go back to school, work out,or basically start anything worthwhile anymore. I’m tired of the disappointment. So my house stays filthy, my business stagnant, I don’t have my degree, and I’m overweight and unhappy. Sheesh. I’m like a mom who figures her little kid is just going to dirty his diaper anyway, so why change it?

I have little to no perserverance. According to the list of ACOA traits, that is number 14. I am a reactor, not an ACTOR. I wait till I’m already late to get going, I wait till the trash truck is rumbling in the distance to get the trash outside. I wait till I need to get out of the house to take a shower. I wait till I don’t have anymore clothes to wash them. I wait till I can’t find my chihuahua in the junk piles to sort through them.

Don’t ask me. I don’t know how to change this yet. I just know that anything worth doing is not going to happen in a minute, an hour, a day. But if I don’t take a minute, an hour, a day to address just a little bit of the problem, then nothing will ever change. I will constantly wait for the perfect time to meet the perfect motivation and explode into perfect fireworks of a job well done.

In recovery we learn the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference. I know now why that is so prevalent a prayer in this program. I am always dwelling on the things that I don’t have the power to change, all the way from not getting a bigger scholarship in high school to not waking up at 5:00 this morning, instead of having the courage to change the things that I can.

In the Al-Anon meeting I go to, there is a lady who says, “Courage is just fear with feet.” I need to put walking shoes on my fear and just step out. Wake up, take a shower, get dressed. Get going, even if it is 4pm by the time I actually start. And know that GOD is in control, not me. He will decide what I need to do. Nothing will get done perfectly, but eventually, when I look back on my life it will be clear that in the moment, I moved FORWARD and didn’t just age in one place.

Just so you know, I talked to that career coach for a good 30 minutes and COMMITTED to do two things for my business before Monday morning at 9:30 when I talk to him next. 1) Make a schedule for myself, and 2) Do Level 1 webinar training for “Power Productivity”. I guess now I have a sponsor for my business too! I will let you know how it goes.

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