Never a Good Choice

18 09 2009

I am not going to get to go to any meetings today, this week so far I have been to 1 Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting (my first ever, hereafter referred to as ACOA) on Monday and 1 Al-Anon Meeting (my first ever on Thursday, hereafter referred to as A-A). I have also been pouring over several books. This is not all I’m doing of course, but it has moved up to my first priority. I feel good today, it was hard to get out of bed, I work at home, so it’s ALWAYS hard to get out of bed. But I did, granted it was 10:22, but I did. I have had breakfast now and have a bunch of stuff to do for this event I have planned tomorrow.

It’s hard, because I always get so excited about my brilliant ideas, but then lack the ability to follow through. I am usually plagued by indecisiveness and thoughts of failure before even starting. Like now, I am thinking, “I should have written about my relationship with my dogs and how that relates to my dysfunction.” Simultaneously I am thinking, “I shouldn’t be updating this thing at all. I have 7 balloon topiaries to make, food for 60 for an event tomorrow, I should work out, eat right, do some marketing for my business and get a gift basket ready for some buyers that I have that just closed on a house…. ETC ETC. And besides that

*nobody gives a damn what you say anyway*

Can you see why it’s so hard to get out of bed? Who the hell wants to deal with those thoughts all day, no matter how much I get done it is never enough. I always should’ve done more and put my efforts and energy into something else. So I end up doing nothing. Nothing at all, because nothing is important when you are sleeping and that is the only way to silence the voices in my head who constantly tell me that I’m not good enough and I am making the wrong decision.

I am easily overwhelmed, and overwhelmingly defeated in life even before I start something. I was reading some ACOA literature that indicated indecisiveness is a dominant trait in adult children. This can be traced back to constantly having to choose between one parent and the other, with no choice ever being right, because you love both of them. I have been thinking about this for a while now and I can’t tell you how true it rings for me. I was daddy’s girl but was raised by my mom to think that daddy was a bad man, a drunk and even to be racist against him because he is white and my mom and her family are all Hispanic. I never knew what to choose, if I loved my dad, my mom was full of wrath and hatred and even jealousy and if I loved my mom I was just “being manipulated” by her and being like my little sister (who was momma’s girl). I could never win, so eventually I just hated both of them and withdrew from the family.

I may have been out of the house since I was seventeen years old, but that same queasy disgusting feeling that double questions every single decision I make is still there. It can be anything from as simple as going out to eat, where on our way somewhere I change my mind three times and eventually don’t enjoy where we’re going because I am convinced I made the wrong choice. I will complain once we are eating, “We should’ve gone for Mexican instead, I really like Mexican. I don’t know why we are eating here in the first place, the service stinks, I ordered the wrong food. I can’t believe I ordered that. It is so expensive here, we really shouldn’t be eating out at all. Can we even afford this?” This is all going on in my head, while I am trying to act normal and just enjoy my evening out. No wonder I am such a crappy listener!

I know it sounds like I am just complaining about myself, but I really think that the first step in dealing with something is recognizing that you have a problem. This indecisiveness that paralyzes me is a problem. So today’s challenge: Go with your first thought, then complete it. That’s all. When I think of something. I am going to do it, not start it, not change course when I think of something else I should be doing, not think about it, then make up a hideously long list of crap in my mind. But DO IT. I will let you know how I fared tomorrow. In the mean time here is an interesting list of thirteen ways to recognize ACOA.

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