I am Here—->

18 09 2009

I called my mom up this morning in heavy, hiccupy sobs and asked her why she didn’t love me. For years I told myself that my parents loved me and that they did the best they could with what they had and thought that I had turned out pretty good for the crap family life that I grew up in. Pretty good, like I haven’t killed myself yet. I suppose, I can sorta hold down a job, I am semi-functional most of the time. Mostly anyone who knows me would think that I had my shit together. At least, I like to think that they would. I try really, really hard to project that. When I can’t project that, when I am too depressed or too messed up, I just hide in my own little cave and sleep the dreamless sleep of one whose childhood has been stolen to this wretched disease called alcoholism.

I am a lucky daughter-of-a-drunk, I didn’t marry one. I picked a good decent guy to marry me and father my 84 children, but I am driving him nuts.  Some days are good, I am happy, he is happy we are happy together. Some days he comes home  from work and I haven’t showered in two days, have been crying for two hours and am totally naked only having gotten out of bed three times to forage for food. I let clothes mildew in the washing machine, let the laundry go unfolded, and barely have energy to let the poor dogs out of the house. He doesn’t know what to do. He didn’t really grow up in a constant crisis situation and doesn’t know how to handle it.

This is my speciality, I do it with a flourish. I am so good at being  a victim it is sickening. I need help. I am trying to work from home and get my career as a realtor off the ground, but one thing about working for yourself is you are stuck with you all day long. This is very very very difficult when you hate who you are. This is not going to be one of those slash your wrists blog, really it’s not. I am going to recover. This is about hope and recovery. I just need to tell you where I am coming from. Because only if you know where I am coming from, can you celebrate with me where I am getting ready to go.

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3 responses

26 09 2009
Jen

I really relate to your blog. I have been where you are and I am still working like hell to get out from under being the adult child of two alcoholics. I am thinking of you.

30 09 2009
x0ffender

Thanks for the kind words. It means a lot to have anyone actually read it. I know things are getting better, It’s just slow-moving process. But it’s worth it to break the generational curse upon m family. I hope you are doing well and are able to break yours too. God bless!

27 09 2009
JR

Michelle I read your blogs and I appreciates them al as for now IO will let you pick who to share them with by talking about them in meeting toimorrow they are very good. God bless

In Him,

J.R.

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