Three Months Have Gone By….

12 03 2010

I want to give some closure to this site, and let you (whoever would even read this, most people stop reading after people stop posting) know what is going on.

God has revealed himself to me in a powerful way.

I am no longer bound by my chains of depression, anger, anxiety and shame. I am free.

It didn’t come out of a meeting.

It didn’t come out of a book.

It came from realizing that if it had only been me, with all my junk, with everything I have ever done wrong, with every regret I have, Jesus would have still died on the cross. I always believed that he died for my sins, but what is one man divided up among BILLIONS and BILLIONS of people?

But the freedom came from realizing that God would have done it just the same if it had only BEEN ME. That’s how much he loves me. With finally realizing that love, it gave me the courage to finally love other people selflessly. Instead of waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to finally notice me and give a damn. I realized that God has been waiting for me to notice him. And notice that he DOES give a damn.

I decided to get off the fence. That I am no longer going to try and please other people, God is the only one I want to please. I am going to stop caring what other people think of me. I used to deliver little jabs that chip away at someone’s self esteem so they could see me as better than them, cooler than them. I still see a lot of people I know doing that. But the truth is, unless we know how much God loves us, we are all TERRIBLY insecure. We all want to be loved. I don’t want to tear people down anymore. My job is to build people up.

In realizing this, my life has changed drastically and immediately. I just want to encourage you, God doesn’t just want to heal you a little at a time, like a therapy session. Where you go once a week every week for fifty years and then you have one week where you “get” it and then you die. GOD wants to heal you completely. And quickly. And effectively. He wants you to realize that you are not alone in this world, he is with you. His love has given me room to grow. Room to change. My life is never going to be the same. Because he is my Rock and my Salvation.

I used to wonder why I couldn’t get a career, finish school, make anything of myself.

God had shown me that every single one of the dreams that he gave me when I was a little girl are going to come true.

I wanted to be a writer and a speaker and have thousands of people listen to me and be moved and inspired by me. I used to want to be president or an actress or a lawyer. But most of all, I wanted to know that my life mattered. God has shown me that when I get out of that selfish place, and realize the hurt that most people are going through, and RUN TOWARD THEIR PAIN. That he heals me, he renews me. He has a plan for my life and it is better than anything that I can imagine right now.

This is what he has shown me in the last three months since I’ve posted. I stopped posting because God told me to get out of myself, my cocoon of pain and pursue Him and other people. So, there is my ultimate Revelation. Blessings on you as you learn and grow and change, and hopefully, finally understand and receive how much God loves you.


Four Weeks

7 12 2009

Reasons I have not posted in Four weeks in no particular order of importance:

1) Have not been to an ACOA meeting
2) Have been feeling guilty about not posting
3) I gave my site out to people I know and my ego was getting a little tied up in it
4) Holiday season is very busy
5) After one week, I began to think that when I write again it better be REALLY GOOD, in other words PERFECT
6) I was starting to get a little obsessed with watching my little counter go up
7) I really felt like God was telling me to get over my isolation, I needed to get out of my own little world and into other peoples lives, can’t do that on the internet
8) Have tried to do something with someone I know every single day for the past four weeks, it’s very time-consuming but rewarding

That’s about it. I’m just going to post this to get over my slump. Otherwise it’ll turn out like my real estate site which is still on my mother’s day posting. SO HERE GOES……….


10 11 2009

I have been hesitant to post anymore dark dreary posts, just because I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. I’m supposed to be salt and light. All I am is sad and lonely tonight. Which is stupid. I spent all day with a friend, and we had five dogs in the house. Yesterday I went to the movies with a great friend and talked on the phone with three people. Saturday I had wonderful quality time with my husband. I had several “friend” encounters last week too.

But I feel different from everybody else. Even my friends. I attended two (!) meetings today, Alanon and ACOA and both of them, went late, left early, said nothing. I’m supposed to be in my “safe place” there and I just shut down. I don’t really even feel like writing now, I’m just doing it because I feel I must.

Right now is a season of sacrifice for my husband and I. He is working like crazy and going to school. I leave the house when he’s gone, I get home and he’s gone. I came home at 1:30 after my workout and meeting and I saw the three dirty pans that he left on the stove, the butter and sriracha he left on the counter and I wanted to cry because I had missed him. The man refuses to use a damn microwave. I make full meals when he’s gone, and put them in pyrex dishes so he can just heat it up when he has the time. He to reheat every component in a different pan, using different utensils. Keeping up with the dishes is a full time job but I don’t care, because it’s him. I love his particularity. He once put a single serving of frozen microwave lasagna in the oven for an hour and insisted it was worth it.

I don’t really feel like being with anybody but him, he’s the only one who really knows me. I force myself anyway because I know I need to. It’s all very codependent. When he is there I feel so full and complete and loved and perfected. When he is gone, the darkness closes me in. I know that God is really trying to get me to count on him and these are just terrible little growing pains. That’s why I force myself. Because I have to give God my effort. My trying and eventually, it will be true.

You see, my husband won’t always be there for me. I know he will be there as much as he possibly can but God is showing me that though he may not be there, God will provide me with friends, and life and fulfillment all ripe for the picking if I am willing to accept it.

I realized Saturday that the single most important thing after breathing in and out is giving my minutes, my hours, my days to the Lord and committed to doing so. I got busy today and I forgot. I pulled into the driveway at 8:15pm, and tried not to get my hopes up that my husband would be home yet because I know not to expect him till 11:30. But I did anyway, then I sat in the car not wanting to go into the big empty house, and trying to figure out why I feel so desperately lonesome when I finally remembered. And I gave my God the pitiful leftovers of my day hoping he could piece something together that made sense in the short time left.

Hey Jude is playing right now on my Pandora, and it was the part where he’s screaming over and over again, better, Better, BETTER, BETTER!!!!!! It made me smile. It was like his promise to me, God’s promise to me. Things will get better, I will get better, Better, BETTER BETTER!

If you like it….

6 11 2009

So I was having trouble getting my day started. I had breakfast, coffee, read my bible. Nada. I just wanted to crawl back in bed. I took a shower, checked my email, did my property searches, facebooked. Zilch. Not feeling it. So I did this.

Hahahhaa… You’re welcome.

Wising Up

5 11 2009

I woke up thinking this: “Wisdom is supreme, therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.”

I didn’t know why, till I looked up the scripture and it turned out it was in my Proverb-of-the-day reading yesterday. I guess God is working in me, even when I’m asleep. I have been contemplating it all morning.

Shower-wisdom. Brushing teeth- understanding. Getting dressed-wisdom. I have been unable to shake the thought. Really crazy. I bet you can’t wait to hear what I “realized” you’re getting wise to me already. I’m always “realizing” something new and *AMAZING*.

I won’t keep you in suspense any longer.

I have totally never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever really *wanted* wisdom.

I may have prayed for it, a little, halfheartedly when I read a proverb or something. But it was always just a passing fancy, a prayer for something I knew I should want,however didn’t really much care for. The thought that someone should want wisdom “though it cost all you have” just sounds crazy. So basically I am praying for God to strip me of all my stuff that I have and give me this intangible knowledge of who knows what. Why waste prayers on that when I could be asking for my husband’s safety, money for the mortgage, that funny rattle under the hood, my uncle’s health, etc. To my very basic human brain it doesn’t sound like it’s really even worth the breath it would take to mutter.

So why on earth did God press that into my subconscious brain with such fervor?

I think I’m ready for it.

Wisdom. God said you have to acknowledge it as SUPREME, though it cost all you have, esteem wisdom and it will exalt you, when you walk your steps will not be hampered, when you run you will not stumble.

I really only ever wanted God to give me wisdom to keep all the stuff I have. God please give me wisdom in my business so I can make a good living so I can keep the house, the cars, the dogs, the Saturday morning brunches out with friends. God give me wisdom on how to manage my time so I can do all the stuff that will make me happy, everything that I want to accomplish so I can be perfect and complete not lacking anything.

The truth is, if God were to pull out two silver platters and tell me beneath this domed lid is wisdom and beneath this domed lid is your husband, dogs, house, cars, everything you have that can be taken away at any moment, which do you want to keep? I would tell him to keep his wisdom- I’ll take the stuff THANK you very much!

Do you know that someday my husband, the amazing man that God has given me through sickness and in health will die? Do you know that in eight years someone else will probably be living in this house and taking care of this yard? Do you know in seven years both of the cars will probably be in the junkyard? Do you know that in eleven years all of my dogs will probably be dead? Everything that God has given me is going to pass away.

But the one thing that he has offered me, the one thing that will help me get through all the changes and the hurts and laughter with my faith and joy intact is the one thing I couldn’t give a damn about?

You may think that for a “recovery” blog, she has been talking a lot about God.

Here are the first three steps, can you guess which one I’m struggling with?

  1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God

If you guessed number three than you are absolutely correct. I am having a hard time turning over my life to the care of God because the God that I have understood my whole life, his shoulders aren’t big enough for my burdens. He created the entire universe, breathed life into the first man, separated the waters with expanses of land, but I don’t think he can run my business, handle my finances or take care of my husband.

So I prayed this morning for wisdom, for understanding. Though it cost ALL I have. With every breath, I praise God for another day to get to know him, another day to understand him, another day to carry out his purpose in my life.

Yesterday, during life group one of the girls said that when she is feeling like she isn’t good enough, like she isn’t worth anything, she remembers that God saw her life before he even created the earth. He knew the mistakes she would make, the triumphs she would have, the many ways she would let God down, knew that he would have to send his son as an innocent lamb to the slaughter for those sins. And he looked at her and said, it is STILL worth it. That is how God looks at me, like I am WORTH it. That is how God looks at you. YOU no matter what you’ve done, no matter who you’ve been, God looked at you and said, you are SOOOO worth it.

God in a Box

4 11 2009

Did you ever watch I Dream of Jeannie? She was this very powerful little gal who lived in a bottle and was finally found and released after 2000 years by Captain Nelson who was this hot Astronaut. She instantaneously fell in love with him upon meeting and became his genie in a bottle. Hilarity ensues.

There is a point to this. See, I have realized that I created a God when I was little in my head. Like an imaginary friend, like Jeannie. A God who loved me and only me, took great care of me, thought I was special, etc. Who liked my quirks and understood me. Who still loved me when I sinned against him, and thought I was just the best, smartest, funniest, prettiest little girl ever. I really think that God allowed me to think this way, because I needed to believe I was special so I could survive my childhood rejection. He told me that the stuff I did was ok. That I was ok, I was going to be ok.

This was before I believed that Christ came down to redeem my sins. I just made up whatever I thought God was.

Then I met him, and found out that there is a book to get to know him. That there are other people who know him, that he loves JUST AS MUCH AS ME. This is hard for me to swallow. See, in my head he loves me MORE than he loves you. More than he loves anybody. He still loves you, don’t get me wrong, but just not as much as me.

I am telling you this because I just realized how wrong I was and how this viewpoint has totally handicapped me in my faith in God.

I always thought I had great faith because I believed. But my struggles in life all revolve around me not being able to give up control to him. About me having to be perfect and falling short and escaping so I don’t have to realize how completely hopeless my plight is. The trouble about the God that I created is, he’s a lie.

God is so big and so great and so AWESOME, the Creator of the universe. All things that walk and live and breathe. If no one worships him, it is written that the ROCKS will sing his praises. This is how big God is. And I put him in a box, trapped him there where he could love nobody but me. This severely limited the way that I saw him at work in my life. Instead of a God, I created a genie.

The more I read of God and his character and his limitless bounds and his amazing grace, the more separated he becomes from the God of my youth. I am praying right now for him to reveal himself to me, for him to show me how big and how great is his power.

In Deuteronomy 32:3-6 it says, “I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh praise the greatness of our God! He is the Rock, his works are perfect and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. They have acted corruptly toward him, to their shame they are no longer his children, but a warped and crooked generation. Is this the way you repay the Lord, oh foolish and unwise people? Is he not your Father, your creator who made you and formed you?”

I am going to let God free in my life, be his child. He is my creator who made me and formed me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I only know a fraction of his character because I thought it was perfectly adequate to keep him where I knew him. “Like newborn babies, crave spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is Good.” 1 Peter 2:2. It is time for me to grow up. I’m ready.

The Nightmare

4 11 2009

Saturday morning, I drove five hours to visit my little sister in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She was flying my little brother in for the weekend and I took all three of my dogs, in addition to the five people and two dogs they have at the house. It was a good kind of chaos. Lots of dog fur flying. Lots of smores eaten.

It was Halloween weekend, and the last night of this amazing production called, “The Nightmare” that her church, GUTS puts on every October. I have NEVER seen anything akin to this before. The production value was incredible, very realistic. It really makes you look at life and people a lot differently.

I have always been a little embarassed to talk to people about God.

Mostly because I felt like it weakened me, I wanted to be cool and talking about God is inherently uncool. I have this wonderful friend, wherever we went she would ask people if they wanted prayer. Seriously embarassing. I remember this one time we were at Walmart in the checkout line and this guy with a blue mowhawk was working the register and she asked him if he needed prayer for anything. He said he didn’t believe in that stuff, but if it worked we could pray for his mom because she was seriously depressed and always on the couch and didn’t care about life anymore. He actually teared up and she prayed for him right there in the checkout line with people in back of us waiting. He gave her a HUG afterwards and thanked her profusely. It was insane.

We left Walmart and it didn’t even phase her, it was like, business as usual. I was aghast and blurted out, “How do you do that? How come you don’t care what people think about you? How can you just talk to anybody about that?” She looked at me, carefully thinking. “I don’t know,” she said “I guess when I see people, I just picture them in hell with no other choice and it being too late.”

I think about that often. Most of the time when I am being too damn chicken to talk to somebody who is clearly hurting and needs hope. Her faith was unstoppable. It is my goal to be more like that. Offering hope to a world that is lacking, offering comfort to a world that is in pain. That is why I so desperately want to heal, so I can be effective. So people want the peace that I have and see God working in my life. I know the only way to get that is to give myself totally over to the control of God. But my faith is so limited and I falter so often. When will I realize how big God is and how temporal life is?